A very quick update before I go into today's entry - the last time I sat down to post, I had just realized that I was entering my last six months in New York. So, rather than spend a second doing anything other than clinging mentally to the ESB, praying that she'd somehow reach into the universe and find a way to keep me there, I stopped writing. Then I moved to Washington DC, and while it was a great move for my marriage, it was a terrible move for me personally. I wouldn't say I was depressed, just truly unhappy for probably the first time in my life, and who wants to write about being unhappy? Yes, there were lessons learned, blah, blah and it wasn't all a wash, but shoot - my head was definitely spinning, having gone from The Greatest City on Earth, and therefore what I'd assumed was my best self to look at me at my worst - no fun. Thus no posts.
Now, 2014 was actually pretty great, to be honest - but it had to be. 2013 kicked my tail in a way that I wouldn't really wish on anyone I know. A less-voluntary-than-I-would-have-liked job change and a miscarriage colored the end of 2013, so I moved into 2014 sure that things would look up. And they did, for the most part. I'm pleased to report that I get to reflect on 2014 with a job I feel inspired by again and a brand-spanking-new daughter. So with that in mind, onto what prompts me to once again spew my thoughts into the interwebs.
It started with this article on how to not make resolutions. Why would someone not want to make resolutions? I LOVE January - the idea of a squeaky clean slate, all the mental pictures I'd create of how I'd be better, different, with shiny hair and whatnot. Aren't resolutions an important part of all that? Especially as this is my first chance to make resolutions as a Mom, shoot - why would I dare opt out?
But the article made some great points (sigh.) So, in light of that, here I go!
In 2015, more than anything else I want to feel mindful. Particularly as I think about my new Life Role (Awesome Wife-Mom, obvi) I have read all of the things telling me that having it all isn't possible. Message received. That being said, daily we obviously all make choices about how to spend our time and energy. I want to be able to being and end each day feeling that I've made those choices as mindfully as possible, feeling at peace with the trade-offs. This is most important, I feel, as I'm looking to return to work next week (shudder. Who woulda thunk I'd be willing to make it as a stay-at-home-mom given the financial option?? Who the eff am I? But if the universe were to dump my remaining salary on us right now, it' be adios to the Achievement Gap battle in a heartbeat...) I know the trades I'm making must always feel like they're for the betterment of my family. Would I prefer to be home with my tiny new person? I would, but not if it causes our financial ruin. That being said, I have dedicated my early professional life to fighting the injustices of educational inequity, and spending the time I'm given in front of my students yearning to be home doesn't do anyone any good either, so ultimately I want to feel that I'm mindful of the choices I am making, and not constantly feeling guilty about the other things I should/would/could be doing.
So what are my frogs? Ugh - keeping this house clean for starters. So I suppose I need to find one of those nifty calendars that helps keep me on schedule day-to-day. Do I love dusting? I sure don't. But I do love having family dinner at the table, rather than on the couch, and want to be able to remember New Baby Girl's early years fondly, not with a ton of guilt about how her immune system is so strong largely because I allowed her to grow, covered in dog hair and a thin layer of yuck.
I also like the idea of being able to revisit if I'm able to say that I'm meeting my intended feeling regularly, particularly at each three-month mark. So, as part of feeling mindful is about reflection, and this blog is the easiest way for me to reflect, stay tuned...
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